It is a season calling for changes. I feel it in the air, but I dont know what they are yet...

I know I want to change a few things. Like writing. Writing has always been such a big part of who I am, yet I think I also take it for granted. I will just write and write and not worry about how I am expressing myself. Now i want to write something more real, maybe a real story, with a beginning, a middle, and an end. I want it to be something worth reading, not just my little windows of imagination or ramblings of observation. But then I also have my blank canvases sitting here waiting for me, waiting to be covered in paint and made into one of a kind, wanted individuals. yet somehow their purity intimidates me, i dont want to create something not worth looking at and waste one of them. but since i can never come up with a full idea for a painting without starting it, I will have to take a risk. I will have to just start one and hope that what comes out of my hands is something worth seeing, worth hanging on the wall and gazing at. Kinda like life maybe, you'll never know how something will turn out unless you start it. I have so much school work due in the next few days, I am working so many extra hours to make ends meet, and yet my mind is filled with ideas of creativity...my weekends are full and fun and i make time for more. i will and i must.


today was kinda a failure. so was yesterday. yesterday was way worse actually. I am on a weird roller coaster of anger and frustration and excitement and creativity. it is so annoying. I dislike the drama of my workplace and am not looking forward to working nine hours there tomorrow, but then i feel bad because its a great job and i should be really greatful. i should not be what i wish i wasnt surrounded with. i need to hold my own and remain sane, haha, why does that seem so funny? I also have so much work to do, which is difficult to do with our apartment mate yelling world of warcraft instructions at my husband from his room. I have no idea how I will get all of my homework done. So, i better get back to it, since its 2:15 am and I must get up at 8 tomorrow morning...