Married Now

Married and so glad for it. Finally life is moving forward. Its still not easy and it can be sometimes quite awful still but i do try. quiet moments, crazy ones, no sleep because of opposite schedules, our cute apartment. life is good. i love my love. and that is good. i lay here typing and thinking and talking because my lover is at work all night and i cant sleep. kinda amazing how fast you come to need someone there even after years alone. but i dont mind. its better to long then to have no one. tonight i will attempt to visit him for his lunch break at 3 am, if i am awake enough to drive at that time, haha. no work tomorrow, but no time for church either. too bad there arnt sunday night services anymore. i had an awesome conversation with a good friend last night about community and it excited me. i miss community..shes really on the right track. its good to know somewhere its working, the wave is catching and coming and making a difference. its all we can hope for, really, that someone life will change for the better somewhere in spite of all our best efforts.
i am proud of myself for today, because after my crazy day at the music store i came home and actually practiced my violin, FINALLY, and even went and swam laps at the apartment pool. there was an old lady there whose unfriendly poodle tried to get me and wound up just choking on its collar as she told me all about how her grandchildren were going to come and swim. i am starting to understand how people end up the way they do sometimes. maybe its working in retail. People are such interesting creatures. its funny how unrealistic very simple expectations are. gabriel keeps telling me to let go of the little expections, and be happy and giving, instead of stressing and getting upset about them. he is right. he is wonderful. and, really, in spite of any hardship, life is wonderful.

down she goes

i discovered that if i spend too much time thinking about what other people are doing i start getting really down on myself. i guess being selfishly focused has its place. everything in my life is changing right now and nothing is the way i wished it would be, and being the perfectionist i am that is hard to deal with. i am so in love with Gabe, so happy with him, so ready to have our apartment and our lives. yet on the eve of our wedding weeks my dad gets so sick he nearly dies, and i forget the wedding, forget the planning, lose my focus. and now it is upon me and i hope that is is worth remembering. i hope people who love me come. i hope that i love it. i hope that gabe loves it. and i hope that these difficult times will be worth it, that gabe and i;s life will go up and forward from here. that we can look back and smile and say, we made it. we accomplished our dreams, we loved each other well, we held on to what really matters in life. i still miss things i cant have right now, i still miss people who are so far away. i am trying to keep my life together, and one day i believe all will truly be well.

its a challenge just to keep eyes dry. so many changes in no time at all. is it possible to have joy without there being pain mixed in? why now? my head spins and throats tight. for a year i have been torn between the two men that i love, especially by their inability to find peace with each other. and now i feel like one is threatening to be torn from me while the other questions my anguish. if only i could fix everything with the blink of an eye, with one breathe blown in the right direction. its a danger to love even those you must. how does one deal with such turmoil in the midst of such progression. i can not make my eyes see past this or my head wrap around this. tomorrow is another day is both a comfort and sentence of torment. what will a few hours bring? a few moments? a few days? can i condemn myself for not knowing what to do with my intuition or what of it to believe? i am not my own to condemn i console myself with. yet it is there. so much is there. breathing takes focus. hungry and cant eat. life is cruel sometimes.