down she goes

i discovered that if i spend too much time thinking about what other people are doing i start getting really down on myself. i guess being selfishly focused has its place. everything in my life is changing right now and nothing is the way i wished it would be, and being the perfectionist i am that is hard to deal with. i am so in love with Gabe, so happy with him, so ready to have our apartment and our lives. yet on the eve of our wedding weeks my dad gets so sick he nearly dies, and i forget the wedding, forget the planning, lose my focus. and now it is upon me and i hope that is is worth remembering. i hope people who love me come. i hope that i love it. i hope that gabe loves it. and i hope that these difficult times will be worth it, that gabe and i;s life will go up and forward from here. that we can look back and smile and say, we made it. we accomplished our dreams, we loved each other well, we held on to what really matters in life. i still miss things i cant have right now, i still miss people who are so far away. i am trying to keep my life together, and one day i believe all will truly be well.