its a challenge just to keep eyes dry. so many changes in no time at all. is it possible to have joy without there being pain mixed in? why now? my head spins and throats tight. for a year i have been torn between the two men that i love, especially by their inability to find peace with each other. and now i feel like one is threatening to be torn from me while the other questions my anguish. if only i could fix everything with the blink of an eye, with one breathe blown in the right direction. its a danger to love even those you must. how does one deal with such turmoil in the midst of such progression. i can not make my eyes see past this or my head wrap around this. tomorrow is another day is both a comfort and sentence of torment. what will a few hours bring? a few moments? a few days? can i condemn myself for not knowing what to do with my intuition or what of it to believe? i am not my own to condemn i console myself with. yet it is there. so much is there. breathing takes focus. hungry and cant eat. life is cruel sometimes.